https://www.youtube.com/embed/5rXSWqC2WdA
WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW, “EVERYBODY. I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. IF YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING THENEWS, YOU KNOW THE WORLD CONTINUES TO TALK ABOUT THEECCENTRIC POWER-MAD CULT-LIKE LEADERWHO HAS LAUNCHED A SURPRISE BID TO RETAKE WHAT WE THOUGHT HE’DABANDONED LONG AGO. BECAUSE TOM BRADY HAS CHANGEDHIS MIND ON RETIREMENT AND WILL RETURN TO THE BUCCANEERS TO PLAYA 23 RD SEASON.( WHISTLES )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) “FALSE START TO RETIREMENT.( LAUGHTER) ALSO, UNNECESSARY HANDSOMENESS.”( LAUGHTER) OF COURSE, MY DEAR FRIEND TOM BRADY’S NOT JUST RETURNING FORTHE LOVE OF THE GAME. HE’S ALSO SET TO MAKE $25 MILLION NEXT SEASON .( AUDIENCE REACTS) WHICH IS, COINCIDENTALLY, WHAT YOU’D HAVE TO PAY’ ME’ TO GO TOTAMPA.( LAUGHTER) IT’S LOVELY! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE THATJOKE COMES FROM! THIS IS GREAT NEWS FOR THEN.F.L ., BUT BAD NEWS FOR THE GUY WHO BOUGHT TOM BRADY’S’ LAST’TOUCHDOWN FOOTBALL FOR OVER HALF A MILLION DOLLARS, JUST HOURSBEFORE BRADY ANNOUNCED HIS COMEBACK. SO, IT LOST ITS VALUEIMMEDIATELY. THAT GUY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. WHEN IT COMES TO BALLS, BRADY’SALWAYS BEEN BIG ON DEFLATION.( Cheers AND APPLAUSE) WHAT’S THAT JOKE MEAN? WHAT DOES THAT — I DON’T –I — TOM’S RETURN TO PROFESSIONAL– I CALL HIM TOM.TOM’S RETURN TO PROFESSIONALMEN’S FOOTBALL RAISES ONE BIG QUESTION FOR FANS LIKE MYSELF: WHAT, I Expect YOU, IS GONNA HAPPEN TO JANE FONDA, RITA MORENO, SALLY FIELD, AND LILY TOMLIN? TOM BETTER NOT PULL THE PLUG ONTHIS, OTHERWISE JANE AND LILY ARE GOING TO INTRODUCE HIM TOTHEIR PALS “GRACE AND FRANKIE.”( APPLAUSE) I GUESS THE ONLY SOLUTION IS TO RECAST THE MOVIE AND CALL IT, “HONK IF YOU’RE GRONK.”( LAUGHTER) OF COURSE, THE OTHER BIG STORY CONTINUES TO BE RUSSIA’SWAR CRIMES IN UKRAINE. THE RUSSIANS EXPECTED TO COME INAND ROLL OVER THE UKRAINIANS IN 48 TO 72 Hours. “EASY PEASY, WORLD WAR THREESY.” BUT THE UKRAINIANS HAVE PUT UPONE HECK OF A FIGHT.AND NOW WE’RE ON DAY 19 OF THEWAR, AND THINGS ARE GOING’ NYET BUENO’ FOR PUTIN. RUSSIA HAS GAINED ONLY LIMITEDTERRITORY, WHILE SUFFERING SUBSTANTIAL LOSSES IN BOTHPERSONNEL AND EQUIPMENT, AND EVIDENCE IS MOUNTING THAT THEINVASION HAS NOT GONE TO PLAN. SURE, UNLESS THE PLAN WAS CALLED”OPERATION MAKE THE WORLD HATE US, BYE BYE BIG MAC.”( LAUGHTER) THE RUSSIANS WERE SO CONFIDENT OF VICTORY THAT, ACCORDING TOONE REPORT, INSTEAD OF EXTRA AMMO AND RATIONS, RUSSIANSOLDIERS WERE EVIDENTLY CARRYING DRESS UNIFORMS FOR THEIR VICTORYPARADE IN KYIV. KIND OF JUMPING THE GUN THERE. IT’S LIKE SCHEDULING YOUR FIRSTTINDER DATE AT THE ALTAR .( LAUGHTER) “OH, YOU’RE A SAGITTARIUS? SO AM I. DO YOU TAKE ME IN SICKNESS ANDIN HEALTH? “( LAUGHTER) NOW, RUSSIAN TROOPS ARE RUNNING OUT OF SUPPLIES, AND THEY’VEGROWN DESPERATE. MANY HAVE RESORTED TO BREAKINGINTO SUPERMARKETS AND SHOPS, AND RAIDING HOMES IN SEARCH OF FOODAND VALUABLES AS THEIR OWN SUPPLY LINES HAVE FAILED. REMINDER: THEY’RE LIKE 90 MILESFROM HOME. THAT’S LIKE DRIVING FROM NEWYORK TO PHILLY AND TURNING CANNIBAL AT TRENTON .( LAUGHTER) “WELL KIDS, WE LEFT THE GRANOLA BARS BACK HOME, SO WHO’S FIRSTON THE MENU?( LAUGHTER) TIMMY, YOU Appear WELL MARBLED.”( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE) THEY SIMPLY DIDN’T BRING ENOUGHFOOD. AS YOU CAN SEE IN THIS VIDEOPOSTED TO SOCIAL MEDIA WHICH APPARENTLY SHOWS AN ABANDONEDRUSSIAN FIELD KITCHEN TRUCK FULL OF RATIONS THAT ARE ENTIRELYONIONS AND TURNIPS MAYBE SOME POTATOES. INTHE BACK, MORE ONIONS ANDTURNIPS. Pots OF PICKLES AND SHARDS OFDELICIOUS GLASS. OF COURSE, RUSSIANS ARE USED TOTHIS KIND OF FOOD. IN FACT, THAT’S THEIR MOSTPOPULAR ICE CREAM TRUCK: MR. ONION.( LAUGHTER) ROUND AND ROUND THE ONION TRUCK A BIG BITE OF ONIONS TAKE A BITE AND NEVER SMILE –OOPS — IS POTATO( IN POP GOES THE WEASEL TUNE ASRUSSIAN BOY ).( APPLAUSE) IN HIS DESPERATION, PUTIN HAS TURNED TO ONE OF THE FEW FRIENDSHE HAS LEFT BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO US INTELLIGENCE, RUSSIA ISSEEKING MILITARY EQUIPMENT AND AID FROM CHINA. DON’T DO IT, CHINA WHAT DO WEHAVE TO DO TO GET YOU ON THE SIDE OF DECENCY? WE MADE 6 “TRANSFORMERS” MOVIES.JUST FOR YOU, TWO OF THEM ARE3D, I Imagine. ALL OF WHICH I LOVE, BY THE WAY, BECAUSE THEY ARE FROM PARAMOUNT. “A MOUNTAIN OF THINGS I AMCONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO ENJOY.”( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE) THEY’RE ALWAYS WATCHING. WITH HIS INVASION GOING POORLY, PUTIN HAS ONLY ONE MAN TO BLAME: ANYONE BUT HIM. CASE IN POINT, WE JUST LEARNEDTHAT RUSSIAN SPY CHIEFS HAVE BEEN PLACED UNDER HOUSE ARREST. THAT’S RIGHT. THEY’RE STUCK AT HOME, WITHNOTHING TO DO EXCEPT WATCH THE POPULAR RUSSIAN REALITY SHOW: “LOVE IS BLINDFOLDED AND THROWN INTO A VAN.” PUTIN HAS ALSO REPORTEDLY FIREDGENERALS OVER HIS INVASION LOSSES. OF COURSE HE FIRED THEM. THEY Allowed UKRAINIANS TOCAPTURE THEIR GREATEST WEAPON: TRUCK FULL OF ONIONS.( LAUGHTER) SOME INTELLIGENCE ANALYSTS BELIEVE PUTIN’S INCREASINGLYERRATIC BEHAVIOR COULD BE CAUSED BY’ ROID RAGE. OH … WE Went A “JUICIN’ PUTIN ‘!( LAUGHTER) FINALLY EXPLAINS WHY HE HIT 68 HOME RUNS FOR CARDINALS LAST YEAR. BECAUSE THEIR WAR IS GOINGEMBARRASSINGLY POORLY, THE DESPERATE RUSSIANS ARE GOINGFULL MONSTROUS.AND IT COULD GET WORSE. AND MAY GO SO FAR AS TO USECHEMICAL WEAPONS. HOW DO WE KNOW RUSSIA’SCONSIDERING CHEMICAL WEAPONS? NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER JAKESULLIVAN EXPLAINS. >> THEY’RE RIGHT NOW ACCUSINGTHE UNITED STATES AND THE UKRAINIANS OF POTENTIALLY USINGCHEMICAL OR BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS, WHICH IS A TELL. IT’S A TELL THAT THEY, THEMSELVES, MAY BE PREPARING TO DO SO AND THEN TRYING TO PIN THEBLAME ON SOMEONE ELSE. THAT’S A CLASSIC PAGE OUT OF THERUSSIAN PLAYBOOK. >> STEPHEN: AND ON THAT PAGE, ITJUST SAYS “HE WHO SMELT IT, DEALT IT.”( LAUGHTER )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SURE.WISDOM. IN RUSSIAN, IT DOESN’T RHYME. TTHENT RHYME IN RUSSIAN. THE LIES KEEP COMING, BECAUSERUSSIA IS NOW CLAIMING THE U.S. TRAINED BIRDS TO DELIVERUKRAINIAN BIO-WEAPONS. THE KREMLIN HAS EVEN RELEASEDFOOTAGE OF THE SECRET OPERATION: >> STEPHEN: AND THINGS MIGHTHAVE JUST GOTTEN WORSE FOR THE DICTATOR BECAUSE, YOU KNOW HOWTHE U.S. AND ITS Collaborator HAVE BEEN CONFISCATING OLIGARCH’S BIGBOATS? WELL, RIGHT NOW, THEY’RETARGETING A $700 MILLION SUPERYACHT, WHICH THEY BELIEVECOULD BELONG TO PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN.AUTHORITIES WERE TIPPED OFF WHENTHE YACHT WAS SEEN IN THE OCEAN RIDING ON TOP OF A HORSE.( LAUGHTER) The government of the united states. AND ITS ALLIES ARE ALSO CONTINUING TO TURN UP THEECONOMIC PRESSURE. ON FRIDAY, PRESIDENT BIDENANNOUNCED THAT THE US WILL BAN IMPORTS OF SEAFOOD, VODKA, AND DIAMONDS. THAT IS TERRIBLE NEWS FOR OURNATION’S SUGAR DADDIES. “TRINA, I KNOW YOUR PROFILE SAIDYOU LIKE COLD MARTINIS, SHRIMP TOWERS, AND SPARKLING TENNISBRACELETS.BUT HOW ABOUT A BUD LITE LIME, AMEATBALL SUB, AND THIS SCRUNCHY I FOUND ON THE BUS? WHERE YOU GOIN ‘? YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME. BRENDA ALREADY LEFT AND TOOK THEKIDS! ” THIS IS A MAJOR MOVE, BECAUSE IN2 021, THE U.S. IMPORTED 48,867 METRIC TONS OF SEAFOOD FROMRUSSIA. OLY LACK OF MACKEREL. EXPLAINS WHY RED LOBSTER HASMADE SOME CHANGES TO’ LOBSTERFEST .'( LAUGHTER) NEED A BIG POT OF BOILING WATER, YOU NEED A VERY BIG POT OF BOILING WATER .>> Jon: BIG POT. >> Stephen: IN THE FACE OFMONSTROUS BRUTALITY BY RUSSIA TO BREAKTHEIR SPIRIT, THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE CONTINUE TO RESIST ANDMAINTAIN THEIR HUMANITY.( Mirths AND APPLAUSE) CASE IN POINT, UKRAINE JUST UNVEILED A NEW POSTAGE STAMPBASED OFF THE “RUSSIAN WARSHIP GO( BLEEP) YOURSELF” INCIDENT. A STAMP THAT SAYS THAT? UKRAINE JUST WENT POSTAL.( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE) NOW, FOR MY YOUNGER VIEWERS, ASTAMP IS LIKE A LITTLE RECEIPT THAT Becomes ON A LETTER, WHICH ISA PHYSICAL EMAIL THAT YOU TYPE WITH A PEN, WHICH IS LIKE A VAPESTICK FULL OF INK.DO NOT SMOKE INK . … AND I’M BEING TOLD THAT’SALREADY A TIK TOK CHALLENGE. SO, LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT THISNEW STAMP.( LAUGHTER) OK, THAT IS GRAPHIC. IT Also COUNTS AS THEIR NEWNATIONAL BIRD STAMP.( LAUGHTER) OF COURSE, WE’LL HAVE TO BLUR THAT FOR THE BROADCAST. WE HAVEN’T HAD TO BLUR A POSTAGESTAMP SINCE THE POST OFFICE ISSUED THAT STAMP OF WASHINGTONMOONING THE BRITISH. THE UKRAINIAN POSTAL SERVICEANNOUNCED THE STAMP DESIGN AFTER HOLDING A PUBLIC VOTE ON SOCIALMEDIA.UKRAINIANS ARE VOTING ON STAMPDESIGNS IN THE MIDDLE OF WAR.( LAUGHTER) THAT IS AN Prodigious, UNSTOPPABLE SENSE OF CIVIL DOTHE.( UKRANIAN ACCENT) “IN LIGHT OF TANKS COMING DOWN STREET, PLEASE REMEMBER THATALTERNATE SIDE PARKING IS SUSPENDED.”( LAUGHTER) WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS SANDRABULLOCK. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE!( Claps AND APPLAUSE )( BAND PLAYING ).